I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
