I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
