Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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