Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I look better un-naked...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
