I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
