I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
