My hand turned me down
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
What a dumb baby whore.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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