My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
