if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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