U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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