My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
