I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
