That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
