you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
