he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
