he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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