i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
