I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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