my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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