The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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