i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
