Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
