Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
my liver is dry heaving
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
