That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
