i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
