someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
