i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
and you fell through a lawn chair
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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