So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
