I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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