He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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