So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
