you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize