woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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