I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Be still, my beating vagina.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You were trust falling into bushes
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
