Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
