I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
