im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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