It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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