Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Two words: nipple clamps
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