i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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