Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
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Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
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If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So vagazzling was a success
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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