He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
