Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
