Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
