So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
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What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
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As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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