the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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