he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
