the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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