We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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