did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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