If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
