i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
