I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
